Not yet as afraid as I ought to be.

Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

As I am approaching the end of my time as a youthful naive 18 year-old, I've realized the fears I have buried in my heart about the future. I have ignored my fears in the past because I have been to prideful to admit that I don't trust God completely. Or rather I don't trust that God can change me, because currently I don't feel like I am ready to grow up. I am terrified of losing the people I love due to old age, or the commonality of cancer, or growing apart with the passing of time. In my mind my apprehension to allow anyone to stay in my life will only set me up for disappointment. If I had the choice, I would live in the mountains where my only company would be penguins and my Bible. I have always had walls around me and God has torn them down, but I've rebuilt them with more pride and more self-protection. I know I am standing in the way of God's grace. He is the protector, He is the Savior, and He is the comforter. And I am doing a terrible job, I have had more anxiety these days then I can remember and I feel a weight on my chest that won't seem to go away.

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." Satan dangles in front of her the specter of tomorrow's troubles, but she glances up at the almighty God at her right hand and laughs at Satan's folly" (John Piper)

How I need to strength to just laugh at the feeble tactics Satan has of weighing me down. But truthfully they are working. If God was at my right hand the only fear I would have would be the reverence I have for the Almighty God. I just want to laugh.

"The fear of the Lord is fear of fleeing out of his fellowship into the way of sin. Therefore the fear of the Lord is full of peace and security and hope. It keeps us near to the merciful heart of God, our fortress, our refuge, our sanctuary, our shield, our sun."

"She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." Proverbs 31:20

God teach me how to transform my sinful fear to a righteous fear for Christ. May the anxiety fade and be replaced by a desire to laugh and love unconditionally.

<3

All is fading

August always brings the season of change, and after being in college for a year I thought the transition would be a little smoother. This summer has been an amazing time but I know that new experiences are awaiting. I realize how much I resemble my gold fish that I won at the fair, every time I change environments, my initial reaction is to freak out with anxiety. All that I have become accustomed to and all that I am comfortable with are blessings but my nature is to hold these treasures as if they last forever. Suitcases and boxes only represent the changes that are going to affect the relationships I have with my family and my best friends. The people I love the most are no longer within proximity and the stability I seek in these people only reflects my wandering heart.

My heart has made a home here. And as sweet as it feels to have comfort, I realize in these times how deceiving it truly is. Life is passing by like cars on a highway and soon enough my life will come to an end. As scary as that sounds I need to ask myself, "am I satisfied with how I have lived my life?" and more importantly "is God satisfied with me?"

I need not make my home on sinking sand but on a rock that lasts forever. I am so entirely grateful to the blessings that have been poured out. But I need to remember that they are only gifts from the One who blesses.