Long Distance Relationships

You would think that after experiencing many unconventional long distance relationships, I would be okay with them by now. It often feeds into my pride because I think in my head "oh I don't need anyone, I am SO independent." Truth be told, I hate being far from the people I love.

My dad: I have lived apart from him since I was 13. The blessing is that he lives in the country so I can call him and talk to him anytime I want to. The struggle is that i only get to see him maybe once or twice a year.

My brother: He left for college when I started high school and I left for college when he moved back home. We joke that we are long-distance siblings, which is a lie because I go to the UMD and my house is in Rockville.

My best friends: One in Massachusetts, one in Chicago, one in Baltimore (which might as well be China) unanswered phone calls (I hate talking on the phone anyway) impersonal gchats and emails

The loneliness and uncertainty of growing apart is ridiculous. But this Thanksgiving has been refreshing. It made me realize that relationships are worth it. No matter how difficult, it only takes one face-to-face conversation to remind me how much I love these people. We may end up in different corners of the world, but that makes me even more grateful for the moments we have together. Even if we are just are sitting on a couch watching Cake Boss.

Flags

Come, tell me your trouble
I'm not your answer
But I'm a listening ear

Reality has left you reeling
All facts and no feeling
No faith and all fear

I don't know why a good man will fall
While a wicked one stands
And our lives blow about
Like flags on the land

Who's at fault is not important
Good intentions lie dormant
And we're all to blame

While apathy acts like an ally
My enemy and I are one and the same

I don't know why the innocents fall
While the monsters still stand
And our lives blow about
Like flags on the land

I don't know why our words are so proud
Yet their promise so thin
And our lives blow about
Like flags in the wind

You who mourn will be comforted
You who hunger will hunger no more
All the last shall be first
Of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again
All you lonely be lonely no more
Yes, the last will be first
Of this I'm sure

I don't know why the innocents fall
While the monsters stand
I don't know why the little ones thirst
But I know the last shall be first
I know the last shall be first
I know the last shall be first

Peanut butter and Jelly

Sometimes I wonder if I am making the best of my college experience. Truth be told I have met a lot of awesome people but I realize that I spend the majority of my time by myself. I come to realize that I don't have that "person." Before I got to college my friend told me that she can't wait to meet my future "soul mate." She didn't mean my a romantic partner but that person who will become my best friend throughout my college years. It didn't bother me much during my first two years of college that I didn't have that "person" because I guess I figured they would come along eventually. Also I had three best friends from high school and a "big sister" from childhood. But no matter how hard we try, the truth is time apart has made our friendships fade if not dissipate completely. It is a sad truth to admit.

Relationships change and I get that. But growing apart from people you care about reveals how much you truly love them and how much it sucks not to have them close anymore. There is always the assumption that we will catch up once again but it is wishful thinking.

And everyone else seems to have the peanut butter to their jelly. I know that I have that too. I have peanut butter, nutella, and bananas. But they are miles away and they have their own partners in crime.

I know that God is the foundation for all blessing and He is always consistent when everyone else is not, including myself. So I will learn to be satisfied and joyful in my relationship with Him.

I might fail for this..

"Please look at the film clip on Bali that we saw in class in its entirety at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xy7ObIrxZCQ Carefully think of what everything the Balinese are doing could be used as an analogy for a theory of development aimed to the establishment of perpetual peace. Remember the nine dimensions as a guide to analyzing the situation."

My initial impression of the film clip on Bali was that the I have nothing in common with the Balinese people. Their belief system int he 100th cycle of the 9th dark moon and the ceremony of transforming demons into the god Siva was completely foreign to me. However after reading about perpetual peace from Immanual Kant, I realized the similarities between my life and the life of the Balinese. He states that "uninhabitable parts of the earth--the sea and the deserts--divide this community of all men, but the ship and the camel (the desert ship) enable them to approach each other across these unruled regions and to establish communication." The Balinese have placed their hope in converting demons into gods and turning evil into good because "a violation of rights in one place is felt throughout the world" and they are responding to the evil in this world. Evil is a force that I have also recognized as a threat to people throughout the world and even though it seems to be an ambiguous concept, people recognize that bad things happen to good people. I came to realize that, like the Balinese, I also desire peace for all people. However, unlike the Balinese, I don't believe that humans have the capacity to transform evil into good because it is not within human capacity. People have a desire to do good, but unfortunately we are selfish beings and when given a choice, often we choose what benefits us as individuals.
Even the Balinese believe that there are spirits, which is a common trend throughout human civilizations. Which leads to the conclusion that there is a spiritual realm and that whatever hope there is for peace lies in something greater than human beings. Even with 500,000 Balinese people gathering to focus their will on controlling demons, the video never specified if the ceremony was successful. The dedication of the Balinese people can not be argued against but the method of conquering evil was not declared as successful. What seems logical to me is to put faith in a god that does not rely on human assistance in bringing peace to the world because people are the ones wrecking havoc in every nation. So far in my epic journey of finding a god who gives peace and seeks peace is Jesus Christ.

Feed my Sheep.

Loving Jesus. should not feel so difficult. I've realized recently how frustrated I get over attending 2 hour meetings for ministry, having to outreach during my lunch break and give up my time to serve or go to Bible study. I am more concerned about what people expect me to to do then what Jesus wants me to do.

"When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes Lord, you know that I love you." He said to to him, feed my lambs. He said to him a second time "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes Lord, you know that I love you." He said to Him, "Tend my sheep." He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything, you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep...and after saying this he said to him "Follow me." John 21: 15-19

God is not insecure. He knows the conditions of our hearts but why does He ask us whether we love Him? So that we can evaluate our own hearts. He does not need our love but He desires it and he calls us to question whether we TRULY love Him. The most important commandment is to Love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind and once we genuinely love Him, Christ will call us to serve Him through loving the people HE loves.

So everyday ask yourself why am I doing this? Is it because I am obligated or is it because I love Christ?

Communication

So much of life and relationships is based on communication and I have to confess that I am terrible at it. I don't return calls, I don't have texting, I don't like returning emails and Facebook is not fun. I thought by getting a blackberry my communication would improve but in fact it only made things more complicated.

I've seen the consequences of relying on assumptions rather than conversations and I am the first to become frustrated over a mis-communication. I often engage in conversations when I am upset or angry instead of cooling off and then waiting to approach the person when I am calm.

I have realized that love requires so much communication to the extent where it come be exhausting. But that is the price to pay. It is incredible that God can communicate so much without actually talking to me but thats probably because everything that needs to be said has already been said in the Bible.

If I value my friendships I will take the effort to communicate about my burdens, my joys, my fears, my dreams because it will draw me closer to the ones I love and our relationships will be stronger. It is quite a sacrifice to make but it is for a worthy purpose.

Jesus made that sacrifice by taking the form of a human being to communicate to the world about the cost of sin and the redemption of his death and resurrection.

So I can pick up the phone once in a while and just be honest in love.

Son of Hamas

Borrowed from Mosab Hassan Yousef's Blog:

After Son of Hamas was released on March 2, everybody was telling me, “Congratulations! Congratulations!” And I appreciate their good will. But I want you to know that this was not the biggest victory in my life. It has been, and continues to be, my worst nightmare. I am going to share my heart and thoughts with you because I do not want you to be thinking that I am celebrating and having fun, while I feel like I am dying inside.

Any other author celebrates with his friends and family when his book comes out. How did I feel? I was crushed, because the day before the release, I learned on the news that my family had disowned me. Even though I knew they had to do it in order to protect themselves a little from the blow that was about to fall, it broke my heart. Because of me, the people I love most in this world now have to live as though their eldest son is dead—and even worse, that he died in shame and disgrace, an infidel and traitor.

Try to remember how you felt whenever your mother or father told you how proud they were of you when you accomplished some little thing, won an award, graduated from school, got a good job or a raise. Now imagine that your picture is on the front page of the newspaper, along with a story exposing all of your secret sins in agonizing detail. Imagine your shame and embarrassment, how your family would look at you then, how your friends, neighbors and coworkers would treat you.

And that is small, compared with the fear and guilt and shame heaped upon Muslims by their god. The god of the Qur’an is not tolerant, understanding or forgiving. He hates furiously and punishes without mercy everyone who crosses his red lines.

The shame my decision to go public has brought on my family can never be scrubbed clean. I broke their hearts and ruined their lives. Who will marry my sisters now? How can my brothers return to their schools?

And why? Because of me. I cannot help feeling like Israel’s King David who cried out, “My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.”

My family has already suffered so much. Why did I have to be responsible for piling on even worse suffering?

But I did not feel that I really had a choice. More than 1.6 billion Muslims live sincerely and ignorantly in the pitch darkness of Islam. And I was in a unique position to set many of them free. Son of Hamas was my shot, and I had to take it, no matter what the cost.

So what have I gotten out of writing a bestseller?

The U.S. government has rejected my plea for political asylum, saying that I was connected with a terrorist organization, even though I was never a member of Hamas. I can never become a citizen, and if I leave the country, I cannot return.

Because I became a Christian and helped to save Israeli and Palestinian lives, I am condemned to death by the Qur’an and its god, making it the duty of every good Muslim to kill me.

By going public, I put the lives of my mother, brothers and sisters at extreme risk. They still live in the West Bank, which is ruled by the Fatah faction of the PLO. Fatah hates Hamas because it killed many of its members in Gaza after the 2006 elections. What if Fatah members, afraid that I will reveal more secrets about them, go out of control and start shooting at my parents’ house?

Even Christians in the Middle East are tainted because of me. Now, every Muslim will accuse them of collaborating with Israel, threatening their lives.

At the same time, everywhere I go people try to discredit me and the book. They call me liar and anti-Semite. They say I made things up to make myself look big and important, even after my Shin Bet handler has said publicly that, when he read the book, he was amazed at how I downplayed my involvement and how few of our operations I included.

People accuse me of writing the book to get rich. But I am not rich. Just think for a moment: is there any amount of money that is worth stabbing your own family, friends and culture in the back? Bringing down a death sentence on your head? Living as a fugitive? Every day, I have to deal with all of these consequences alone, working under unbelievable pressure, trying hard to keep a smile on my face during the interviews.

I have lost all and gained little, not even the assurance that the book will do any good.

I am not looking for your pity or sympathy. But I do need some support. I need you to understand how much it really cost to write this book. I am making myself transparent and vulnerable so that maybe you can pray and help me deal with my guilt and frustration, loneliness and discouragement."

And I thought my life was complicated.

Robert

I don't know what to say.

Damn it. really? The last time I saw you was at the grocery store. We made small talk about freshman year. Why did it have to end this way? We drifted apart which is what usually happens but you weren't supposed to die.

I don't know what to say. I just wish I could hear you sing one last time.

I hope you are with our heavenly Father. I really really hope so. I'm sorry I never asked if you knew Him.

Damn it.

I miss you.

More Bitter than Sweet

I have to be honest these past couple of days I have been under a cloud of frustration. Its little things that are irritating me but I think the foundation of it all is that I am not trusting in the true and Almighty God and I am doubting in His love.

I am frustrated because my summer is a huge question mark. The truth is that I just long to worship and serve Him, but being turned down and wait listed from internships is like hitting a wall. God what do you want me to do? The possibility of going to Haiti was in the air but nothing is certain. The possibility of working in Texas is in question as well. But why should I fret when God of the Universe whom I long to live for, know the path of my life? Its a matter of patience.

I am frustrated because of the relationships in my life. I gradually feel the shift of change in so many friendships. People are moving away, getting into relationships, getting married, getting too busy. I'm not sure why growing apart is so difficult but I despise the feeling of becoming irrelevant in the lives of my friends. He is working in the lives of His children and He is bringing them where He wants them to be.Its a matter of trust.

I am frustrated because of the sin of this world. The reality of it is so incredibly terrifying and crippling. The twisted ways sin manifests in this world makes me want to puke. Young girls forced into prostitution, children given AK-47s, and the lack of access to clean water. The depravity of sin tempts me to undermine the power of Christ. The crucifixion of Christ is a promise of His return, when there will be no more tears. Its a matter of belief.

I will wait, trust, and believe. That you God of the Universe are beyond all things temporary.

Guard your heart for it is the Wellspring of life.

"Nobody wants you back after you've worked in a brothel. The word for prostitute in Cambodian is srey kouc, -broken in a way that cannot be mended. You are forever ruined and your existence shames the family. No body wants people to know they have a prostitute in their family. The clients were horrible. To them we were meat. They would say, 'I paid a fortune, and you're not even pretty,' and smack, hit you against the wall. Some of them liked hurting us and did it for sport."
"Nowadays the girls are much younger too. This is because men in Cambodia will pay a thousand dollars to rape a virgin for a week-it's always a week, for a virgin. Sex with a virgin is supposed to give strength, to lengthen a man's life span and even lighten his skin. To make it clear they offer true, bona fide virgins, the brothels today sell children. Often they are very young girls, just five or six years old. After the week is over, the sew the girl inside-without an anesthetic- and quickly sell her again."(The Road of Lost Innocence, Somaly Mam)

God, what kind of hell are we living in? That the beauty of a women soul is ripped from her heart? That her precious body which was meant to be loved is crushed over and over again by ruthless people seething in sin

Why God? Why are we women willingly giving our bodies and our hearts to boys and not husbands when girls younger than ten are being ripped from their purity? Why is it that we who are given the blessing of virginity are throwing our pearls to the pigs when millions of girls don't even have a choice?

Don't you know you are worth so much? Your beauty is not affordable to a man!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands